soñar

I was in Chicago today and I pictured myself there. I could see it. I bought a red beret hat and walked around feeling a strange sense of belonging.

I know that I don't really care about supporting myself financially. I just want to do something that is going to make me really happy. I'm not thinking ahead about marriage. The idea is nice but I'm not going to base my life on finding a husband. I want to live my life by myself for a while. I want to figure myself out before I give myself to a man for the reset of my life. I hope to live in either New York, Chicago, or Seoul. For a period of my life.

I feel like every other senior is becoming a doctor or lawyer. I was talking to someone about it this weekend. He said with being a lawyer it's not only the financial thing. It's because of the high mental challenge of it as well. I know that I dont want to have any of those jobs. None of them appeal to me. But that doesn't mean I don't want a mental challenge. I want one more than ever.

What I want to do with my life is explore more. I know there is so much more that I need to find out about life. And there will be a high mental challenge if I become a fashion designer, an actress, a Korean school teacher, a dancer, a teaologist, or wherever else my life could lead me. I'm going to find out. I'm not going to sit back and listen to what everybody tells me about earning good money. I don't want to be a depressed overweight 2 child suburban mom with a bad haircut. I'm going to be me. I'm going to just try. And do what I love to do. Honestly, whatever happened to freedom.

Something else, why should I worry about the stupid little things that are happening right now? I'm am about to leave it all in a couple of months. Thank you for reminding me. Really. I was about to lose it there and then you just hit me with the good and calming truth. I know I worry too much. And it's not worth it at all.

I am going to have a job that I love. Why wouldn't I? Why do we set ourselves up for traps in life knowing it?