I am always in the middle. Sometimes there's tug-of-war, other times I am standing alone with no forces. Sometimes I am pushed more one way, sometimes I am pulled another. But I always end up back in the middle. It has always been like this.
I want everybody to like me. Sometimes, I don't do what I know is good for me because of that. I try to please people even if I know beforehand their unamused reaction- as it happens I play a little mind game with myself. You called that one. I feel an odd sense of bitter humour as I swim in self-destruction.
People don't know how they affect other people. Me being one of them.
My true feelings are so pushed down and compressed, so shoved away. I never act on them. But if I do act on them, they always end up being self-destructive to me. That's why I never try to anymore.
The middle can drive one insane. Shoving your feelings down your throat and trying to poop them out can also have the same effect.
And then of course, the one thing that I feel good at, theater arts, is the thing that I go to to get yelled at every day about not being good enough, only to use every fiber in my being to try to overcome, to feel good about something, and to prove them wrong, but to come home everyday feeling still not good enough and worthless.
Whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens.
Also, I think I might be walking around with a post it on my forehead that says DON'T TALK TO ME or something as far as guys go... I know it's my fault I'm not great in that department. I never give anything to them. Ever. I just stand there. Why? WHY?? Sometimes, the inside screaming can get really loud. But I always tell myself, no. I destroy myself. No. You can't do that. He wouldn't want that. He doesn't like you.
I need to tell people what I feel.
7 comments:
Tell me what you feel. Because even if it hurts me, I'd get over it, and it's not worth suppressing your personality. Any friend who tells you to shove your emotions down until they vanish is not a friend.
you're good at a lot of things. people only push you if they know you can do better.
you're a very giving person... and that's a good thing. but God gave YOU a spirit to, and sometimes your beliefs are what he wants you to stick up for.
i know how you feel. waiting in desperation to be discovered, wanting to be liked. i'm bad with guys too. but i think that wanting everyone to like you... isn't bad unless the way you go about it is dishonest to yourself or others. if you win people over by kindness, you are doing others favors and keeping friends. once you know true friendship for yourself, you can give it to others.
"Whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens."
=my life this week.
i saw a beautiful sunset and was euphoric one morning...only to get stomped on 3 hours later by the day. bah.
So. here.
There is self-sacrifice, and then there is self-destruction. and the line is thinner than one might think. don't be afraid to tell the truth about what you think or how you feel. anyone who rejects you because of that isn't the kind of person you want around.
guys... i totally fail.
friends... i totally fail.
feelings... i totally fail.
happiness... i totally fail.
basically life in general i fail at.
but talk to me and we'll make each other better. that's what friends are for.
I agree, the middle is the hardest place to be. In some ways, the safest, but in others the most dangerous.
I absolutely LOVE what you said about pooping feelings. That is so perfect...feelings are either gorged on and barfed up, or swallowed, digested, and come out a day later as shit in a toilet, just to be flushed so new ones can be pooped out later. That's why feelings are retarded sometimes. they're so easily swayed.
you know, the ability to supress emotions and such shows remarkable self control. on the other hand, it's also somewhat unhealthy so be careful there.
And seriously, here's the gold nugget of my comment. ready? 3 words for you (one is hyphenated)
ONE-ACT.
FITZ.
WINTER.
I think that's the problem.
as soon as you're free of those three things, guarenteed life will start to smile in brighter colors. and then you'll miss the darkness. (aka bridge to T)
hang in there. I luh you.
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