Dont sell yourself short.
That right there might be the challenge sentence of my life.
I have trouble looking people in the eye.
In short
I think I'm worthless. A lot.
And I don't understand why I do.
I stare off into space all of the time. I have no idea why this is. People always want to know. I DON'T KNOW. It's just what I do.
Many a sad and lonely thought wander through my mind everyday. I guess this is reflected on my face. I would have liked to think I was looking pleasant. It always shocks me when people tell me I look absolutely miserable. I just though everybody had those same thoughts. Maybe the normal person is a lot more happy than I. I wish I knew what it was like.
I try. so. hard. to be happy everyday.
And I don't think this is mainly a teenage emotion thing. When I was little I remember feeling like this too. I loved being alone and organizing things and getting lost in a good book or creating a fantasy in my mind. It's still the same today.
I've always wanted to be able to be a people person. And I just dont think I was born that way. I wish I was. Can people change and become people persons?
Every one expects it from me. I do theatre. I play those crAZY characters.
hate to break it to you--I'm not that fun underneath.
So many people believe in me and I never really have.
And it's horrible because this pushes people away from me. Which then makes me feel worse about myself.
I have such a hard time touching people.
Every boy that I like I seem to ruin it.
Yes. I struggle. Every day.
And that's just the truth right there.
I cling to things that make me happy.
I get tired of things very easily.
I'm very judgmental. I tend to like almost everybody but sometimes I make up things in my head about them and I can't stop it. It's very weird.
I just really suck and interacting some times.
Having good support with extra circulars and people that show me love has really helped.
But it still happens to me. Every day.
Yeah I have problems. And I'm throwing this out there because people never seem to understand why I just act all janky lonely all the time. It's because I am. It is my problem. And no one else is the cause. People can have an effect. But when it all comes down to it--it's me.
I am sorry boys. I am not a carefree bouncy skinny beautiful girl. I am me. I might as well tell you that straight up. So you can leave before I get attatched. I know boys hate it when girls are all moody. Well sorry i am not the perfect girl. Believe me, I try. I try. I want to be as desirable as you want me to be too. And the age old fantasy of the boy who isn't going to care about my problems and just loves me for me is kind of being smushed by a large bulldozer right now.
I'm going to bet some good money i have frontal lobe damage.
But people tell me not to sell myself short. People believe in me. And it's so dumb how I can't. But that's just the way it is.
These little thought blurbs aren't pretty and flowy and poetic. They are spurts. Just as I feel them.
4 comments:
this is kind of a different way to look at it, but at least you can feel. some people just cannot have emotion, or care about things in life.
and its often the people that we least expect to be the ones that hurt inside the most... just because you're on improv and make people laugh doesnt mean you have to be anything, it doesnt sum up your personality... you are too complex for that.
someday, a boy will appreciate that. once they get past their own phases of other girls.
i've found that the people who care the most about other people are the ones more likely to sell themselves short... because they want to make everyone happy and just can't. being lost in thought i think is a good thing... it keeps you connected to what really matters... its easy to get caught up in all the chitter chatter of the world and lose focus.
i dont think its a teenage thing either... some people are just more apt to be sad/ponderous. however, this time of our lives often feels something like a goldfish swimming in circles in its bowl, so that probably does not give you a whole lot of happy material.
but you are good enough. this is cheesy, but true. god made you this way, and he loves you, and so do your family and good friends. as soon as someone cant appreciate the side of you that right now frustrates you so much is not a person that you are compatible with, and sometimes we just have to make those distinctions in life.
dont get too down. just remember some days will be worse than others.
what she said. i love you, bbgun.
I understand. But I think people can see farther into you than you think.
I like this part: "this time of our lives often feels something like a goldfish swimming in circles in its bowl, so that probably does not give you a whole lot of happy material."
It's sad, but funny.
random comment. but under your list of "movies you should see" take Where the Wild Things Are off. it's really not worth watching. just saving you 2 hrs of painful tedium...some things are just better off staying 5 page kids books.
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