Happy

I can't breathe deep. Things are always going from "normal" to too much. All the time. Everyday. I never know what's going to happen and I'm just absorbing all of this and I really can't deal with it. It's too much and it's too big and I can't fix it. People need to change or I need to get away. But everything's just too weird and I feel detached. And I realize it more and more. But I've felt detached for quite a long time in my life. I can't live with my mind. It gives me a lot of beauty and inspiration, but it also makes me crazy. Sometimes I just observe what I'm thinking. It's not like I'm trying to think what I think. But it's there. And I can't tell it to go away. It's too far in.
I live. And I live. I do things. And have an odd sense of hope that I don't think I should trust in but I do. This could end up destroying me. Or giving me the biggest euphoria high and surreal satisfaction.
I can't live life being content. I never want to settle. I never want to go against what I'm thinking and what I really want. I'm a master at suppression though. I have let so many things happen and not done anything. And I don't know why I didn't do anything. I just can't let myself.

I want to scream so loud and jump off a cliff into clear cold water with all of my clothes on. I want to hit everybody.

I feel so much beauty and emotions inside of me. But it can not get out. I can't express it or use it. My outside life is jealous of my inside life so my outside life tortures me.

My biggest fear is that I will forget and change. I will lose parts of myself and feel like a part of me is missing but not know what part and when it went missing and how to find it. It's already happened somewhat.