I Struggle With Forward Motion

The dance.

Hm.

Well my mom spent too much money on something she and I were hoping would make me happy.


I don't find some things fun or entertaining at all.

Sometimes life is full of so much rejection and fighting that I have to just get lost to prevent myself from doing worse--falling.

I struggle.

Things just dont make me happy. And then other things make me insanely happy that make no one else happy.

And I wish that I could be understood. This sounds fruity. Oh well. And I wish that we didn't both flip over at the same time. And I wish I knew more. And I wish I understood more. And I wish my abusive mind logic wasn't right.

And I dream. But reality is something that has constantly been winning. I struggle.


At least Ross believes in me. And that can actually get me through stuff sometimes.





oh and P.S. I fail with boys. That's always such a bonus when reflecting on life.



I worked so hard to try to make it good. However, standing there in that strapless basically wedding dress with my hair and make up beatutifully done, I didn't think it was. It wasn't me. I felt so incredibly dumb. My eyeliner screamed no. Everything just screamed no.

Reading all of those books and watching all of those movies---prom. Never really a word I enjoyed. Proven very right.


Last night I just couldn't. I sat on my bed staring at the wall for what seemed like hours. My mom came in. I found myself uttering one word at a time, really hard to talk. The books inside of me were unable to come out, as they always are. I just said "I need help." My mom thought I was talking about homework. She didn't realize it was a little bit more than that.


I just can't even describe it anymore. Nothing ever really comes out. Short little bursts maybe understood. I have an inability to let it come out. So much is internal.