Be Mad

Being negative is one of the worst things you can do. Being mad and just moping around in your madness and taking out on other people is horrible. Being happy is one of the hardest things to do. It is so easy to be mad. There is always a reason to be mad. It takes balls to be happy. Major balls. The more I learn about the world, the more I hate it and myself and well, everything. It is mass chaos. Nobody knows what they are doing at all. People are making sense of what they have. They are making sense of things because its the only way you can survive in this world. But everybody has their opinion or story of something. And memories modify themselves. And are contained in a squishy piece of pink shit.

I start to hate Christianity just because of people who pray to God to help them get an A or help the weather to be nice. What is up with this, "please God, help me get/do (insert thing here)

??????????????????????

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Then I find myself watching stuff like this

……..what?

What????

And then there's this

I've been told something my whole life and my parents are always force feeding me and as soon as I even begin to talk about questioning they go very silent and don't say anything and then don't try to understand that I'm a human being trying to figure out what anything even is!!! They never talk to me about doubt. And they wonder why I never talk about God to them and why I'm not even comfortable talking about religion or any of this stuff with them. They want to hear certain things from me and when I don't please them by sharing my revelation today in my daily devotional or what struck me during chapel and instead I say I don't go to chapel and I haven't really read my Bible in the past 2 years they look hopeless and defeated. They don't want to struggle with me or try to understand what I'm thinking.

I'm going to a Christian college where I am getting a christian education that is making me lose faith in everything. History and Theology have done the most. Theology is the logic of faith. There are all of these things that are true and not true. Hello--we are humans that don't know anything. so why have people written all these books stating what the truth is.

Who are the good guys? The capitalists? ha.

There is so much we don't know and we try to explain it and fill it in but we can't fill it. People try to save North Koreans. But there is so much complexity and it is so much more than the good people saving the suffering people over here! Look at those saints!!! Well, history is complicated and turns out white people for the majority suck. real bad. They have destroyed countless cultures and made them Christians!!! And their brilliant idea that they are superior has had serious repercussions on just about everything! yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's why Christianity is the biggest religion in the world. Yeah, people were forced into it by white people!!! holla!! The suffering in North Korea is bad. But why say north koreans are evil. instead lets consider them as human beings, just like us, they have gotten to this point because of a series of events leading up to it. They have not just decided to become evil like "bad guys" on really poorly scripted movies and tv shows.

So anyways, the braver and bigger thing is to choose happiness and hopefulness. I can't at this point in my life. I believe in God. But I can't explain anything more than that or do anything else. Something has started all of this. Or something like that. I don't even know actually. Because the terms 'starting' and 'something' are things that I know.

So I don't know anything.