I want to dig a hole and throw everybody in it and stand at the top and look at them and eat spicy hot cheeto fries and laugh

I hold on to who I am. I'm awkward and I'm weird and I don't feel like I am but then I talk to people and I'm so aware of how not connected I am. I ate spicy hot cheeto fries and I am in my pajamas and I feel like a bum and I feel awful but I don't want to get ready for the day. For just one day. Let me eat my spicy hot cheeto fries and have bad breath. But then my roommate walks in with her friend and they have makeup and fake nails and trendy purses and talk the cali slang and i'm sitting on the chair with my laptop and cheeto breath and i am completely helpless. I am aware of the tension in the room, i'm not going to deny it and be stupid. Sometimes I deny tension, but then I just bury myself deeper away form the world. And we talk but I'm just relaxed and not trying to be someone I'm not and I can tell they're looking at me like, why is she so awful. And it sucks. I want to like people so bad. And I just really….can't. I'm trying hard.

Also. why do people laugh at me. maybe if i was a jerk people would have more earthly respect for me. Too bad I don't want to be an a hole. 

hahahahahaha laugh laugh laugh laugh